What We'd Need To Make A Deal

With all the Adrian Gonzalez trade rumors lingering around from the off-season, it got me thinking what Jed Hoyer could possibly get in return for a .280 hitter who smashes 40 home runs and drives in 100 RBI’s while scoring 100 runs? Oh, and who’s also 27 and signed to a cheap two-year contract. Since this is Hoyer’s first year, I figured I’d give him a little help. So, here are my proposals:

Boston: Clay Buchholz, Jacoby Ellsbury and Bill Simmons.
New York: Your payroll.
Tampa Bay: Your future.
Toronto: Chris Bosh.
Baltimore: Adam Jones, Matt Wieters and Omar Little.

Cleveland: Willie Mays Hayes.
Chicago: Ozzie Guillen.
Kansas City: Umm… a sandwich? What else do you have? I genuinely don’t know.
Detroit: ’84 Alan Trammell.
Minnesota: To treat our stars (Adrian) like you treat yours (Mauer).

Seattle: ‘95 Randy Johnson, ‘97 Ken Griffey Jr., ‘99 Alex Rodriguez and ’01 Ichiro.
Oakland: MC Hammer (I'm sure Krapf will understand Hammer taking over as in-game host).
Texas: Your racism. (San Diego needs a little more attitude.)
Los Angeles of Anaheim: The rights to rename as the "Los Angeles Padres of San Diego". It'll be huge for sponsorships!

Philadelphia: Jayson Werth dressed up in a Muhammad Halloween costume and dropped off in the Middle East.
Atlanta: 14 consecutive division titles.
New York: Your payroll.
Florida: Two World Series rings.
Washington: Stephen Strasburg and the Washington Capitals.

Houston: Michael Bourn and Jason Bourne. Now thooose are some Killer B’s!
St. Louis: Mark McGwire, Jim Edmonds, Tony La Russa and complete denial over how steroids has affected my team’s success.
Pittsburgh: Umm… A sandwich… and french fries? See: Kansas City.
Chicago: Lou Piniella.
Cincinatti: Over 100 years of history behind my baseball team.
Milwaukee: The final years of Trevor Hoffman’s career. I deserve them!

Los Angeles: Matt Kemp and Rihanna.
San Francisco: Buster Posey and every prospect in your farm system. That’s about what Sabean’s used to paying for veterans, yes?

Arizona: Any and all left over purple and gold uniforms.
Colorado: A no-hitter (well, a real no-hitter, not one with 6 walks).

Got that, Jed? Don’t get too hopeful on those demands for Florida. After all, this is San Diego; the Gulls and the Sockers have been our most successful sports teams.