Saturday, April 3, 2010

Let's Talk About Dick

Matt Vasgersian's departure from Channel 4 Padres last year was hard on all of us. He was replaced by Mark Neely in '09, although I doubt anyone in San Diego other than his wife would be able to pick Neely out of a lineup. I think I remember him sounding and looking like a watered down Vasgersian, but truth be told I can't really be sure, as I don't remember much about last years Padres season, and honestly, neither does anyone else. The good news is that this year filling the void that Matty V. created when he left us for the Olympics and Hazel Mae is none other than sports broadcast legend Dick Enberg. If you think you don't know who Dick Enberg is, you are wrong. Do a google image search of his name and you will easily recognize him as the old guy who has called every football game you have ever watched. Over his 50 year career he has also served as an announcer for Wimbledon, March Madness, The California Angels, The Masters, and a myriad of other sporting events. He is a celebrated playwright. He has a doctorate in health sciences. He is, in all reality, completely overqualified for the job. But he lives in San Diego, and loves baseball, so there you go. In a Padres season where hope is a scarce commodity, he may be the only thing to get excited about.

Enberg teams up this year with 13 year(!) Channel 4 veteran Mark Grant. The chasm between these two dudes could not be bigger. On one hand you have a seasoned veteran, a man with a resume few sportscasters in the history of the profession will ever be able to replicate, and on the other hand, you have one of the most mediocre starting pitchers who ever played the game, who gets by on quoting movies from the 80's and poorly pronouncing words in Espanol. And, I suppose, he also gets by on his unending love and adoration for the San Diego Padres. In truth, dude has kept the faith harder than anyone because he actually has to deal with what has happened to this franchise in real time on LIVE TELEVISION. While some of us get to drink heavily, punch walls, and light our Padres t-shirts on fire, he has to stay cool and talk us down. Having said all of that, most people would still agree he is kind of a moron.

In all of my discussions with people about Enberg coming to SD, the central topic always seems to be what the chemistry between Grant and Enberg will equate to, if there will be any chemistry at all. The barrage of Caddyshack quotes may confuse and annoy a pro as slick as Enberg. Then again, he may play along and chuckle light-heartedly every time Grant asks, "How 'bout a Fresca?". On the other hand, he may have a career ending meltdown and retire on the spot when Mark Grant says "That's HEADLEY!" for the 500th time. No one can really be sure. The interesting thing here is to see whether or not Mark Grant reaches for a Naked Gun quote, which is a movie that actually features a cameo by none other than, that's right, DICK ENBERG! Should Enberg actually quote himself, it may create a rip in the space-time continuum and cause the statue of Tony Gwynn in "Park at the Park" section of Petco to come alive and destroy San Diego's East Village Ghostbusters-style. Or, in a more acute scenario, Enberg may finish the Naked Gun quote, causing Mark Grant's frontal lobe to hemorrhage, and all of the food trays at the Valley Village Casino buffet to be filled with the 7 plagues in repeating order and for the yogurt machine to dispense lamb's blood. OR, he may just blank, pause 3 seconds, and say "And the Padres are again retired in order".

Chemistry between the two or not, we do need to realize that we have been blessed this year with a broadcaster who is one of the all time greats. We should enjoy him while he is here. Having Vasgersian in SD was like if your nerdy sister was dating the captain of the football team. You knew he was probably dating her on a dare, and that sooner or later he would leave her for some girl named Kendra who everyone knows puts out. This time, with Dick Enberg, it's almost as if your sister was dating......well.....Dick Enberg. I mean sure, it may be a little weird at first, with the age difference, but the man is a LEGEND. You would be proud, and you would know that while your sister could do younger, she probably will never do better.

Enjoy the season everyone. Oh my.


Sin Fully said...


Jerry: Beautiful day here in San Diego, huh Dick?

Dick: No doubt, Jerry. The Chargers are very lucky to play in such a lovely park.

Jerry: You said it. Petrol Park never looked better. Joe's gonna have a lot of work out there in center today.

Dick: Of course, Joe Namath will have to adjust quickly. LT has a different running style...

Jerry: Joe DiMaggio always loved elephants.

Dick: And we're off... Kyle Blanks is huge! Best nose tackle in the league.

Jerry: Watching the Yankees play makes me miss the zoo.

Dick: The Bronx Pizza! Now that's a restaurant!

Jerry: You said it, Ted.

Dick: And now a word from our sponsor... We'll be right back after this message from Camel cigarettes. 4-out-5 doctors agree: smoke Camels.

Jerry: ...I rode a camel once.

Dick: We're back here on Number 4 TV station here in San Dimas.

[Enberg falls asleep. Coleman passes out from sniffing Ted Leitner's tanning cream.]

Mark Co-Teahen Burrito said...

"Should Enberg actually quote himself, it may create a rip in the space-time continuum and cause the statue of Tony Gwynn in "Park at the Park" section of Petco to come alive and destroy San Diego's East Village Ghostbusters-style."


red said...

I know I'm alone here, but I kind of love Mark Grant. I thought they had a lot of chemistry yesterday during the game. Though, I would have been a better choice than Mark Neely.