Dallas' Running Diary Padres V. Dodgers 5/16

For today’s game I tried to get to Kept Faith contributor Josh Elwell’s house in time for the 1:05pm start, but I was delayed by the North Park Arts Festival. I’m glad North Park is finally having this festival because I’ve always known that there are a lot of people that need to walk around and look at bead necklaces. Anyway, the festival made me ten minutes late and I walked in on Josh watching San Jose playing Chicago in the NHL playoffs as a joke (I wish he’d been serious). Most people don’t care about the NHL or their playoffs. I do. Quick check of the Celtics/Magic game, and the Celtics are up by 15 so we turn to Channel 4:

TOP OF THE 2ND INNING

• Garret Anderson up. Dick Enberg just announced that Anderson has gotten off to a slow start this season - SURPRISE! He’s also having a slow career (Editor’s Note: Sometimes Dallas expresses wild opinions, we felt it necessary to acknowledge that GA hit close to .300 for his entire career, made three all-star teams and once finished second in MVP voting)(Dallas' Note: Sometimes I find new editors).
• Kemp is on first due to a walk by today’s starter Wade LeBlanc.
• Garret Anderson just stepped out for time and it was not awarded. Good. Let’s keep these games moving guys! Players are ruining the sport that pays their bills.
• Anderson lines to Eckstein who throws to first to catch Kemp. Double play.

Quick check of the Celtics game. Rondo looks great, Garnett looks bad and I think the Magic forgot the game was today.

BOTTOM OF THE 2ND

• Yorvit, the only Padre hitting lately, gets a single.
• Chad Billingsley is on the mound. I’ve probably talked crap about him before, and I will again. He sounds like trust fund kid. Like the kid who unironically wore V-neck sweaters in high school and who you wished would get into a car accident, but the truth was you were jealous and actually wanted his BMW. Anyway, I hope a BMW runs into him right now.
• Venable walks. Yorvit to 2nd.
• Blanks up… he strikes out? Weird.
• Loney robs Gwynn of his 20’s and the inning is over.

END OF THE INNING: PADS - 0 DODGERS - 0

TOP OF THE 3RD

• Enberg just told us to come to the next home stand, as “the pitching match-ups are delicious.” To which Grant replied, “Delicious?” With Enberg finalizing, “Yeah, take a couple bites and come to two games.” It’s working out.
• First Larry Bowa sighting. It’s good to see him working his way back to the middle.
• LeBlanc pitches out of a little trouble.

Heineken commercials are terrible. They’re like wannabe Bud commercials. Oh, and Heineken itself is terrible. I’ll tell you what goes good with a Heineken - a sleeveless T, a bottle of roofies and wearing sunglasses inside.

BOTTOM OF THE 3RD

• Channel 4 shows a chubby kid eating cotton candy in the stands. Grant and Enberg do their best not to make fun of him. Grant is itching, Enberg finally tells the director (I assume) to “let the kid enjoy his cotton candy.” Matty V. would have fired off three jokes in that time. Maybe it’s not working out.
• The Bobblehead (David Eckstein) gets hit by a pitch. Atta-boy!
• It wasn’t worth the bruise, as no one is able to advance him.

END OF THE INNING: PADS - 0 DODGERS - 0

TOP OF THE 4TH

• They keep showing Latos in the dugout with ridiculous sunglasses on. I don’t think he’s wearing them as a joke either. It’s bumming me out.
• They just showed Dave Roberts in the press box. Apparently he’s battling cancer and has been going through chemo. How did I not know this? That sucks. Dave Roberts is easily one of the nicest guys in baseball. I honestly wish him all the best.
• LeBlanc is rolling as he sits down the side.

Ray Allen is really good. Josh reminds me that “He got game.”

BOTTOM OF THE 4TH

• I’m just gonna put this out there and say that today the strike zone has no bottom. It’s getting a little ridiculous. Sad and ridiculous.
• Venable got a hit! (We rewound it to make sure).
• Blanks ruins it.

END OF THE INNING: PADS - 0 DODGERS - 0

TOP OF THE 5TH

• Who is Nick Green?

BOTTOM OF THE 5TH

• Channel 4 shows a commercial for Sam the Cooking Guy, or as I like to call him Alton Brown Lite.
• Billingsley looks sharp. Padres batters do not.
• Oh hey! Nick Green plays 2nd for the Dodgers. I already have a nickname for him: “Triple-A.”
• LeBlanc gets a hit! Show ‘em how it’s done, Waaaaaaaaade!
• The strike zone also has no ceiling today. I’m pretty sure the pitchers could throw a pitch anywhere and get a strike. Get ready to duck Pad Squad.
• Terrible call at 1st. They call Cabrera out to end the inning.

END OF THE INNING: PADS - 0 UMPIRES - 0

TOP OF THE 6TH

• Ah, Billingsley, I hope your parents lose their jobs.
• Carroll is moved over to 2nd on the sac bunt.
• Russell “Montreal” Martin singles in Carroll. No-hitter gone. I didn’t want to say anything, but LeBlanc looked really good and it seemed possible. The Padres still have yet to ever get one. I hope I’m alive for it.
• Mark Grant starts talking about stirrups. Things are looking bad.

BOTTOM OF THE 6TH

• The Bobblehead smacks a single up the middle! Atta-boy! God, I love Davey.
• A-Gonz grounds into a double play. Shit.

END OF THE INNING: PADS - 0 DOUCHEBAGS - 1

Here is a line I hate to see: Dodgers - one run on one hit. Padres - zero runs on four hits. Ugh.

Why do the people in King Stahlman commercials all look like they hang out at Typhoon Saloon?

GAME BREAK!!!

Josh and I chat with Josh’s neighbor and amazingly talented performer Jon Lorenz. I haven’t seen him in awhile and we had to talk about my interaction with the guys from Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and Rifftrax. Basically, I met them and it was awesome and Jon and I needed to have that moment.

TOP OF THE 9TH

• Luke Gregerson is in to pitch. He has really scared me the last couple weeks. I don’t know why, but I can’t trust him right now. I think he would understand.
• He gets through the inning but I was nervous the whole time. Does it make sense? No. But does it? Yes.

BOTTOM OF THE 9TH

• Eckstein flies out against the beast known as Broxton. He is a gigantic man. Seriously, Jonathan Broxton could eat you in 30 minutes or less. I’d love to see Heath Bell and Broxton at Hometown Buffet. Apocalypse Now.
• A-Gonz is up.
• I’m not gonna lie, Loney has robbed A-Gonz twice this game. Loney and A-Gonz may be the two best defensive first baseman in baseball.
• Last chance Chase Headley. Last chance my heart. Pop out.

END OF GAME: PADS - 0 DOYERS - 1

We got spoiled. Let’s face it: we are little kids whose parents just got their Christmas bonus and we didn’t see January coming. Although, as Padres fans, we totally should have. We just have that undying hope that one day (like in the late 90’s) we will dominate and play outrageously fun baseball. The Kept Faith as a whole has tried to stay grounded by constantly reminding ourselves that this squad is playing beyond expectations. On paper we should rename our team to the San Diego Heath Bells of Adrian Gonzalez. By no means do I think we suck. Even if we lose steam I still believe this team will be fun to watch for the entire season. But, if you actually take a look at the Padres’ batters we only have one guy hitting over .300 and that’s our backup (supposedly) catcher Yorvit Torrealba. Next in line is ‘The Bobblehead’ David Eckstein at .280 and after that you don’t want to know.
Looking back on this sweep by the Doyers I’ve come to grips with three things:

1. Bud Black is not a good “big game” manager. He has proven this since the day he got here. He’s not a bad manager, just not one who can make the right moves when everything is on the line. Of course this wasn’t game three of the playoffs, but it was our first chance to stick it to our rivals and prove our dominance over the whole division. We couldn’t pull it off, and Black’s decision to start a 32 year-old journeyman infielder named Oscar Salazar in right field on Saturday night other than ANYBODY else proves he isn’t built for it.
2. We shouldn’t trade A-Gonz. Wait till next season. Bring in one other bat (I like Josh’s idea of Andruw Jones) for this season and watch his numbers skyrocket again, then trade him next year when his contract will be up. It’s the right decision.
3. I stopped attending Padres/Dodgers games long ago. Why? Dodger fans (like Cub fans) are oblivious to the real world. Just because your team has a lot of history doesn’t mean you’re always in first place. In fact since the 1994 strike you’ve only won the division five times. 80% of Dodger fans are not aware of this and believe that since they spent $120 on a Gagne jersey they’ve been to the World Series every year since 1947. If you try having a conversation with the average Dodger fan the conversation will inevitably go like this: They’ll ask you to identify the last time the Padres were in first place. When you reply with, “Right now.” They’ll yell, “When was the last time the Padres were in first place, man?!” You’ll again say, “Today. Right now. The day you are alive in at this second.” They will then stretch the part of their jersey that reads ‘Doyers’ and yell, “Not anymore! We swept your stupid Asses - haha! GO DOYERS!!!” As they walk away (beer in hand and children in tow) you’ll quietly say to your friends, “We’re still a half game up. Ahhhhh, what’s the use? Let’s get a burrito.”

Let’s get a burrito Padre fans. Let’s all go get a first place burrito.