Dallas' Running Diary of the Padres v. Giants Game 9/8

As I sit down to write this I realize several things:

1) I haven’t written one of these since like June or maybe before. No one writes for the Kept Faith anymore and I don’t know why. It was and is a good idea, but no one cares about good ideas, they only care about birth certificates.

2) Jurassic Park is on at the same time as the game and there is no way I won’t be flipping back and forth. Right now Newman is about to get poison spit on him from a dilophosaurus and then eaten. Silly Newman.

3) I haven’t had the chance to write anything recently because I have been directing a fantastic musical called Little Shop of Horrors. Click here for tickets and info.

4) I love the Padres right now. They have a young club full of talent and drive. It’s like watching a less developed version of last years Devil Rays or the 2003 Marlins. Fun baseball will always make me happy even if we are not winning.

Here we go:

TOP OF THE 1^ST INNING:

- Anybody else amazed that the Giants are in contention for the Wild Card? Bochy might just be a good coach after all. Or he’s Frankenstein. Or both.

- The Pads go down in order. I wish I were ordering food right now.

BOTTOM OF THE 1^ST:

-Pablo Sandoval just hit a double. Apparently his nickname is the Giant Panda or Kung Fu Panda or some shit. Anyway, he’s a big boy. And I don’t hate the nickname.

- Bengie Molina hits behind Sandoval. Why would you have the two slowest guys in baseball hitting back to back? That’s just like me hitting behind myself. Molina singles in Kung Fu Panda. I guess you can be as slow as you want if you can place it.

- Juan Uribe (who is actually still starting for a Major League team) pops out.

PADS – 0 GIANTS – 1 MILLER HIGH LIFE – 1

TOP OF THE 2^ND:

- They are in the kitchen running and hiding from the Raptors. Remember the first time you saw the Raptor run for Timmy and it rammed into the cabinet because the Raptor was actually chasing his reflection? That was awesome.

- Kouz grounds out.

- The Raptor just opened the door. Every Spielberg movie has something retarded in it like a dinosaur opening a door. Yes, even Schindler’s List. The red coat thing? So pretentious and un-necessary.

- Chase Headley just hit his 11^th homer off Madison Bumgarner. Bumgarner is a rookie and is racist. I don’t know that for a fact, but he’s white and from the south. Is that a generalization?

PADS – 1 GIANTS – 1

BOTTOM OF THE 2^ND:

- In an amazing turn of luck, the T-Rex saves everyone by eating the Raptors! Maybe the T-Rex is just misunderstood.

- Aaron Rowand homers off Kevin Correia. Once a Giant always a Giant, eh Correia?

- Correia is not looking sharp, but that is nothing new. Actually I think the scouting report on him is: Not sharp.

PADS -1 GIANTS – 2

TOP OF THE 3^RD:

- Jurassic Park ends with Sam Neill looking out the helicopter window at birds flying. Remember when this movie came out and religious groups were so mad about the whole evolution storyline? Remember when they were mad about a movie that had Raptor’s opening doors, T-Rex’s chasing cars and successful cloning from prehistoric mosquito’s’ trapped in prehistoric sap? Ugh.

- Evereth Cabrera is up. I like him. He makes good plays and can hold his own with the bat. So what if he made 4 errors last week, at least he’s not hitting .214 (I miss you Khalil!).

- Pads show no life.

PADS – 1 GIANTS – 2

BOTTOM OF THE 3^RD:

- The Great Panda is up. If he chewed on bamboo in the dugout I think my head would explode from joy. He grounds out.

- Uribe (again, starting.) singles.

- Correia strikes out Winn and is starting to look, well…not sharp, but…what is not dull, but not sharp and looks like it’s trying to hard, but not really portraying actual effort? If anyone thinks of a word for all that let me know.

PADS – 1 GIANTS – 2

TOP OF THE 4^TH:

- Kouz hits a big homerun on the first pitch of the inning! Koooooooouuuuuuuzzzzzzzzz.

- Annnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddd…the rest of the team kills the momentum.

PADS – 2 GIANTS – 2 MILLER HIGH LIFE – 2

BOTTOM IF THE 4^TH:

- Rowand singles.

- Correia is really slowing the pace of this game down to picante.

- I’m now flipping between this and Major League on AMC, “She said that she had a better body than you and I had to find out because I’m obligated to defend you!”

- Eugenio Velez is now batting for the Giants. First off, who is that? Secondly, that name sucks. Thirdly, he just singled in Rowand. Fuck you Eugenio!

- Eugenio gets tagged out trying to steal 2^nd and the inning is over. Karma.

PADS – 2 GIANTS – 3

TOP OF THE 5^TH:

- I took a break to make a burger. Nothing happened though, so don’t worry. Honestly, nothing happened.

TOP OF THE 6^TH:

- Bumgarner comes out of the game for saying something racist to A-Gonz. I couldn’t hear it and I didn’t see his lips move, but I’m sure that’s what happened. Brandon Medders comes in.

- Kouz strikes out looking.

- Headley loses a bet.

PADS – 2 GIANTS -3 COORS LIGHT – 1 BURGERS – 1

BOTTOM OF THE 6^TH:

- Correia is actually keeping it close, but his pitch count is around 120 so his night is done, I’m sure.

- Watching Major League: “Haywood swings and hits one towards South America! Tomlinson is going to need a visa to catch this one!”

PADS – 2 GIANTS – 3

TOP OF THE 7^TH:

- Will Veneble smacks a homerun off Medders to tie this game up! His 10^th of the year and 36^th RBI. I think we should probably keep Veneble around. We won’t, but we should.

- Edgar Gonzales singles. Medders is taken out in favor of Sergio Romo, the half-gay brother of Tony Romo. You know Edgar is wearing the new batting helmets that apparently can protect you from a 100mph fastball. The other helmets only guarantee protection from 70mph fastballs. So, I guess if you’re always facing Tim Wakefield you’ll be safe. The helmet is a bit thicker than the others and basically makes Edgar look like he is 14-years old wearing a grown-ups helmet. Basically, I guess anyone who wears this helmet will look like Juan Pierre does all the time. ZING!

PADS – 3 GIANTS – 3

BOTTOM OF THE 7^TH:

- Adam Russell is in to pitch for the Padres. No relation to my roommate, who is off working out by the way. I’m so proud of him – he’s had a big weekend!

- He sits the Giants down in odd fashion.

PADS – 3 GIANTS – 3

TOP OF THE 8^TH:

- Jeremy Affeldt is in for the Giants and he gives up a single to A-Gonz that was actually an error, but who cares. Not the NL Umps.

- Kouz singles.

- Mark Grant just made a Rip Taylor reference. How? I can’t explain it. I refuse to try.

- Headley hits a sharp double and A-Gonz hustles all the way from 2^nd to slide-in with the go ahead run. Kouz on 3^rd and Headley is on 2^nd. Worlds are colliding.

- The Pads get the bases loaded with 1 out and do nothing about it. God I miss watching the Padres!

PADS – 4 GIANTS – 3

BOTTOM OF THE 8^TH:

- Some guy named Webb in to pitch for the Padres. Who? I have no idea. I refuse to do research on him until he impresses me.

- I wouldn’t say it was impressive, but he got a 1-2-3 inning.

PADS – 4 GIANTS – 3 COORS LIGHT – 2

TOP OF THE 9^TH:

- The Pads do very little.

PADS – 4 GIANTS – 3

BOTTOM OF THE 9^TH:

- Heath Bell coming in to close the game out for the Pads. I hear “Saved by the Bell” in my head and will always until they make it official.

- Kouz apparently got hurt and we only had one player left on the bench which was a backup catcher, so Headley moved to 3^rd, Alfonzo came in to catch and Hundley move to Left – where he has never played in the majors. Great.

- As fired up as Bell gets he’s not that consistent. He just kinda throws everywhere and it gets a little boring.

- He gets Eugenio to pop out to Hundley of all people to win the game! Eugenio!

FINAL SCORE: PADS 4 – GIANTS 3

So, all in all it wasn’t a bad game. A little long, especially for the final score and amount of hits. Correia is boring to watch and Bumgarner was lame – and racist! Jeez! Anywho, I missed watching the Padres and in a few days football will take over the mind of Americans until the World Series. I just hope we can all appreciate the glory of the pastime even in the shadow of the wife beating and pill-popping gang members known as the stars of the NFL.

BOOOOOO

First of all no one posts on this site anymore and it makes me sad.

Secondly, I wanted to do a running diary of the Pads/Angels game tonight but no one told me it started at 6pm.

Thirdly, I'm freaking glad I didn't do one. We look horrible and Luis Rodriguez and Brian Giles need to be traded to a sporting goods store for some extra bats and maybe (if they'll swing it) some new cleats. Might be a tough sell.

I remember at the beginning of last season J3oe and I decided we would be Angels fans, but didn't have the balls to go through with it. I wish we had. I'm watching pure sadness right now.

Dallas' Running Diary of the Padres v. Cubs Game 5/22

         First off let me say that I have waited so long to put this up because I have been sick, and nothing seems fun, especially typing. That being said…

         This was my first diary written while at the game. I love going to live baseball games. There is really nothing like it. And on top of that there is nothing like going with a bunch of friends who also enjoy and appreciate the game. The day started with fellow Kept Faith columnist Josh Elwell sending out a text asking who would be interested in going to the Pads/Cubs game tonight to see Peavy V. Zambrano? It was Zambrano’s first game back from the DL (He is on my fantasy team, and when you get a chance to see your fantasy players live, you always take it.) and it was Peavy’s first start after rejecting the horrible trade to the White Sox, AND there were post-game Friarworks. I was in, as were many others. 

         I met up with Josh and his brother Justin at 6pm to watch batting practice. We placed ourselves in the outfield to try and get some balls. We had no luck, but we did talk plenty of shit to Milton Bradley and kept calling some random bench player Cole Hamels and/or Mark Bellhorn. He was neither. We laughed hard and he couldn’t hear us. Oh, heckling. Josh bought everyone nosebleed seats that came with a free hotdog and soda. Sweet. While waiting for the others we went to the park in the park and ate our free hotdog and enjoyed our free soda. Justin doesn’t eat meat (he likes soccer.) so he gave Josh the extra dog. We then played tinfoil catch.

         About ten minutes later we met up with fellow Kept Faith columnists Sean O’Donnell and Joe Chandler. Also with them were Sean’s girlfriend and friend Ryan and Joe’s girlfriend. It had been awhile since this many of us went to a game together and it's been a few years since we sat so far away. I will admit that since the Padres opened Petco Park I have been a seat snob. I have had season tickets twice that have both been very close Outfield seats, and when I wasn’t sitting there I never sat beyond Field level. Yes, I became what I hated and I loved it. However, when we went to The Murph we always sat in deep right field and would always scoot up to open seats a bit closer. We loved it back there because the seats were cheap, people were drunk and everyone and I mean everyone heckled. The moment we sat down in our nosebleeds all this came rushing back to me and I couldn’t have been happier. Everyone was eating their 5 for 5’s, yelling at everyone and talking to each other. I felt at home. And then first pitch:

TOP OF THE 1^ST

Peavy is welcomed to the mound with a huge applause. We love when our stars reject trades. He strikes out the side in his first audition for the Cubs.

BOTTOM OF THE 1^ST

Tony Gwynn Jr. is starting in CF and gets a thunderous applause. Before he walked up to bat they showed a highlight reel of his Dad during the 1984 season. Right before he bats! No pressure Junior, nice timing Pads – AWWKKKKWWWWAAAARRRDDDD! He walks.

A pitch hits my baby boy Eckstein. What the hell?! I’m about to charge the mound. I’m willing to give him a ride to the hospital, or anywhere for that matter. He’s fine. Takes his base. What a guy!

Scott Hairston batting 4^th? We have given up. He walks.

Giles up with the bases loaded. He works the count to 3-1 with one outs and HE SWINGS!!! What a retard! This isn’t 1997 – take your pitch! He flies out and Gwynn scores.

Kouz strikes out with two on. Beautiful disaster.

PADRES – 1 CUBS – 0

TOP OF THE 2^ND

They’re playing the Killers and Justin, who is sitting next to me, is singing along unironically. Did I mention he likes soccer?

They just announced Eckstein is out of the game. Edgar Gonz takes his place and I am ready to leave.

Peavy pegs Bobby Scales in retaliation for Eck. That’s right bitch! You take out our mediocre* player we take out yours!

Some real Chicagoans just walked by me to find their seats. How do I know they’re from Chicago? Well, they were wearing old worn Bears jackets, they were pale, had mullets with bad facial hair. They were either from Chicago or Hemet.

BOTTOM OF THE 2^ND

Sean just told me to write down that the new Padre shortstop Chris “Corky” Burke is up to bat. Josh said Chris “E-6” Burke is up. They are both right and he struck out.

PADRES – 1 CUBBIES – 0

TOP OF THE 3^RD

Across the aisle right now there is a baby staring at me whose parents dressed it in a sweatshirt with devil horns on top of the hood. I repeat – there is a Satan baby staring at me!

What is up with the last names on the Cubs roster? Hoffpauir, Fukudome, Theriot, Fontenot? It sounds like the discount aisle at BevMo!

Peavy strikes more people out.

MIDDLE OF THE 3^RD

The Friar and the “Franken-friar” are dancing on the field right now. I can’t imagine they’d pull this shit at a Red Sox game. I’m embarrassed.

BOTTOM OF THE 3^RD

Another thunderous applause for Gwynn. He pops out. “He’s a bust.” – Joe Chandler.

Edgar legs out a single.

He is stranded.

PADRES – 1 CUBS – 0

BEFORE THE 4^TH

Jon Weisbarth, who is a host on channel 4, does all the mid game games on the jumbotron. He is a tool. Words cannot describe how much I dislike him.

TOP OF THE 4^TH

Peavy strikes out more people.

MIDDLE OF THE 4^TH

Weisbarth is hosting a dance contest on the jumbotron. I’m really starting to miss sitting on my couch and watching Murray Lampert commercials. No wonder people don’t come to games.

BOTTOM OF THE 4^TH

I just told Joe a joke. He said that I shouldn’t put it in the diary. He’s right.

This game is moving along at the same pace as the movie Watchmen.

Better joke than the one I told Joe.

PADS – 1 CUBAS – 0

BATHROOM BREAK -

Two wonderful things happened during that break.

1)   In the bathroom they were playing the radio broadcast of the game and I got to hear the beautiful voice of Jerry Coleman.

2)   A kid was kicking his Dad’s leg while his Dad was peeing. Why? Cause Joe and Sean were telling him to.

TOP OF THE 5^TH

Peavy has now quietly struck out 8.

BOTTOM OF THE 5^TH

Peavy leads off with a single. Thank God we didn’t trade him, or better yet he didn’t trade us.

Gwynn doubles**

Edgar Gonz flies out and Peavy scores.

Just got news Lebron won game 2 by 1 point with 1 second left. Can we trade Peavy for him?***

Pitching change: Aaron Heilman in for Zambrano.

Bad move Sweet Lou, Giles singles in Gwynn and right after I was verbally talking shit about Giles. Apparently I should always be talking shit about Giles.

Kouz grounds out. I really dislike him and his shiny baldhead.

PADS – 3 CUBS – 0

TOP OF THE 6^TH

A group 4 rows up from us just held up a huge homemade sign that reads “Peavy 4-life”. Will they still feel that way when he’s a Cub next month? The guy who made the sign also has a Padres tattoo on one arm and a Chargers tattoo on the other. What happens when the Chargers move cities? Is he just gonna tell people he really likes electricity? Oh, and it’s the same guy whose kid was kicking him in the bathroom. This guy clearly does not make good decisions in life.

Peavy strikes out 2 more. I wish Peavy 4-life.

MIDDLE OF THE 6^TH

They keep showing Padre highlights from 1984. They just showed Garvey’s game-winning home run in the playoffs. What they didn’t show was the three waitresses and four strippers Garvey took home later that night.

BOTTOM OF THE 6^TH

“Corky” Burke grounds out. “I’m not sold on him, anyone else”? – Joe Chandler.

Blanco hits a triple! Viva la Rasa!

Chase Headley pinch-hitting for Peavy.

Peavy’s line: 6 innings, 0 ER, 10 K’s, 2 hits. He’s sooo gone.

PADRES -3 CUBBIES – 0

TOP OF THE 7^TH

Luke Gregerson in to pitch. He cleans up.

7^TH INNING STRETCH

I do a mean Twist and Shout. My jumbrotron record stands for itself.

BOTTOM OF THE 7^TH

A-Gonz hits a freaking bomb!!! Thank God for A-Gonz. All Padre fans should, regardless of religious affiliation.

Hairston grounds out.

So does Giles.

Kouz strikes out looking.

Seriously, thank God for A-Gonz.

PADS – 4 CUBS – 0

BEFORE THE TOP OF THE 8^TH

The hat shuffle. I guessed right. Number 3.

Justin is filling out his All-Star ballot and picked Russell Branyan at 3^rd. I told you his favorite sport is Soccer right?

TOP OF THE 8^TH

Gregerson gives up a hit and a walk. Buddy’s pullin’ the plug.

The three words that have scared me all season: In Comes Mujica!

Mujica strikes out Koyie Hill. Who? And who? Exactly.

BOTTOM OF THE 8^TH

“If Chris “Corky” Burke strikes out at Petco and no one notices, did it really happen”? – Joe Chandler.

In an interesting move Mujica bats for himself and actually lightly taps himself a single. They gave him the ball. He should throw it back.

Gwynn strikes out. This ain’t your father’s Tony Gwynn (literally).

PADRES – 4 CUBS – 0

TOP OF THE 9^TH

Mujica stays in to close it out.

The Satan baby is asleep.

Mujica gives up a hit.

Corky gives up the other hit.

Heath Bell comes running in. I’m not sure if he was even called in. He runs hard. We’re still searching for a theme song. Nick’s woman says it should be “Saved by the Bell”. Once this is mentioned out loud, everyone agrees.

I have stopped writing as I was standing up cheering. It was not an easy save but Bell got it done. I’m really proud of how everyone has handled Trevor’s departure. No one really wanted to breakup cause we had history, and this new girl is a bit big, but boy she sure is fast!

FINAL SCORE:

PADRES – 4 CUBS – 0

The Footnotes:

*I say “mediocre” because although I love David Eckstein, and have ever since his days with the Angels, he is not going to go into the hall of fame. Although I think players like him should. He was a World Series MVP and is known by everyone who plays with him as the hardest working guy on the field. He’s the Rudy of Pro ball. Or as Nick calls him the Poor Man’s Pete Rose. He will never be called a great ballplayer, but he’ll always be good. Hence using the word “mediocre”. I like him for the same reason I loved Eric Davis. Make sense?

**When it was announced Tony Gwynn, Jr. would be starting I told everyone who would listen that he was going to hit a double. Being right is awesome. But, while I’m on the subject and I know Joe feels the same way; why are we treating this kid like he is the second coming of Tony Gwynn, Sr. (Although yes, technically he is exactly that.)? He doesn’t want that either. When he first came over he asked to be called Anthony Gwynn. They declined that. Then he asked to have “Jr.” on the back of his jersey. They just happened to forget to do that. And they announce him as “Tony Gwynn” which in turn makes everyone stand up and applaud, because we’ve been taught since we were kids to do that every time we hear that name. Problem is Tony Gwynn, Jr. is not very good. He was sent down to the minors last year by the Brewers and has never hit above .259 in his pro-career. We traded for him to mask the Peavy trade that was supposed to happen the same day but didn’t. I sincerely hope that Anthony does well in a Padre uniform as every fan does, which is why he will get a very long grace period. But, what happens when this kid fails? Given his track record he most likely will. We don’t want another Dale Berra or Billy Ripken situation on our hands. We all want him to succeed for the sake of the team and his father, but don’t try and trick us into cheering for a career .248 hitter. We already did that with Josh Bard. Time to move on.

***I realize it was a dumb joke, but then realized all the odd similarities that there are in that joke. Peavy was going to be traded to the White Sox. Lebron is considered by many to be the best Basketball player in the game and won this years MVP and wears the number 23 – all things he shares with the great Michael Jordan, who also played baseball for the White Sox. Sometimes my jokes work on many levels. Most of the time they work on no levels.

The Padres are on a tear right now winning 11 of their last 12! We’re one game over .500! Let’s enjoy this and Peavy while they last! 

July Live

I’m not paying to see the Padres live unless they are relevant after July 1st. If somebody needs me to go to a game, I will accept a ticket, but I will probably have something better to do. This is a completely reasonable way to consume sports. If I choose to see a band in a live setting it is usually because I love their latest record. If their latest record sucks, I’m probably not going to go. If I loved a band in 1998 and they have put out crap for a decade, I’m probably not going to support the continuation of their demise. In music, baseball, and in life, great lineups always change.

After the 2008 Padres’ abortion of a season, I don’t feel like I should pay good money to watch something for entertainment that isn’t truly compelling. What is dynamic about Nick Hundley? Nothing yet! For baseball to be interesting live, it is crucial for me to be engaged with the game in front of me compounded with being able to constantly think about the division race between innings. I don’t feel like I can even do that before July and respect myself, especially if we aren’t running away with it.

A lot of people think that this doesn’t matter. Well, these people are stupid. These are the same people who in the beginning of the season always fall in love with some hard working new guy who plays seemingly the right way. They say, “oh yeah, the Pads only have one pitcher that matters, but like the game is so sacred and beautiful and relaxing and that Josh Bard…uh well, I just like that guy, you know? He gets what the game is all about.” Ken Burns and Josh Bard can go fuck themselves. Every game is beautiful. Hockey is the best sport live, football is the best sport on TV, women’s tennis is the best sport to watch girls wear short skirts and grunt, and baseball is the best sport to watch when your team sucks. Well I want more. I want the small picture and the big picture to be equally as interesting.

Predictably, it doesn’t look like the Padres will be a compelling product in July. I know that now, and it feels good to be honest with myself about a team that doesn’t really respect me. I don’t care how great David Eckstein is because I know he is not that he isn’t a player that matters when the ball is actually in play. He is the best player in MLB at fostering fake grit that probably gets your dead WW2 grandpa’s dick hard from beyond the grave. Actually, I might have to go to game early this year because I might throw my remote through my TV the next time Mudcat waxes on about Eck’s “old school makeup” followed by a quote from the movie Old School. Shut it Cueball! I’LL TAKE MANNY BECAUSE MANNY HAS PUBES!

I always hope I’m wrong in May. I’m a Padre fan for life. Living in a city that doesn’t really have seasons, this is the time of year where I’m extremely negative about the future of my team. They give me that. I know summer is coming when hope starts to feel stupid. However, I hope I eat my words, because I’m hungry. Put me in my place friars…I would love for that place to be Petco. If not, have a great summer. KIT! And I hope you change.

Dallas' Running Diary of the Padres v. Dodgers Game 5/3

So, I was going to do a running diary of this game and then decided this morning I wouldn’t because I was pretty wrecked from a very fun weekend. HOWEVER, after watching most of the first inning I cracked open the computer and have already got some shit to say. I missed the top of the first inning but we struck out, popped out and grounded out, so who cares:

 1:25pm

BOTTOM OF THE 1^ST

I’m half way through the inning and the Padres are already down 3 runs! Chad Gaudin is making his second start for the Pads and is showing why he’s been released or traded more than he’s started in his career. The Dodgers scored their 3 runs by doing something we were doing when we were winning – playing fundamental baseball! We have lost our way. My roommate Travis has just walked out to go fold laundry.

Gaudin nails former Friar and current asshole Mark Loretta with two outs and Loretta heads down to first.

Gaudin strikes out Brad “I’ve Actually Never Been Good” Ausmus and the inning is over. Thank Jesus.

End of the Inning:

PADRES 0 – DOYERS – 3

 1:30pm

The Padres play a commercial for a promotional night they are doing during the upcoming home series versus the Reds (I’ll be going.) in which you can get a free Padres 6-pack cooler. This is a great promotion, but it’s also a big slap-in-the-face reminder that we can’t tailgate anymore. Petco kind of sucks.

 1:32pm

TOP OF THE 2^ND

A-Gonz leads off with Chad “I Sound Like I’m A Villain From Animal House” Billingsley. A-Gonz flies out. He is a villain.

Chase Headley up and he legs out a double that drops down the Right Field line.

One out, one on second.

Edgar Gonz in the lineup for Kouz who is taking a day off to think about things. I have always liked Edgar the same way I liked Chris Gwynn.

Channel 4 just showed a shot of Jane Seymour “Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman” in the stands, and right after that Edgar Gonz lines a double through the glove of Juan Pierre, Headley scores. Wow, Dr. Quinn is a miracle worker.

Nick Hundley up. Pops up. Two down.

Luis Rodriguez grounds out. Three outs.

 1:44pm

BOTTOM OF THE 2^ND

Fidel Castro singles to start of the bottom of the inning: Wahoo!

Billingsley pops a bunt behind the plate and Nick HUNDLEY MAKES A SWEET ASS CATCH! Oh man, that was gorgeous! Hundley could be a great player in a couple of years – after we trade him.

Juan Pierre (yes, that is a pro baseball player’s name.) grounds into a double play.

End of Inning:

PADRES 1 – DODGERS 3

 1:49pm

TOP OF THE 3^RD

Chad Gaudin strikes out to start the inning. Hmm…Chad Gaudin and Chad Billingsley, it’s like the ultimate team of douche bag seniors from any 80’s movie about high school.

Giles, who is batting .154, pops up. Way to go champ!

My golden boy Eckstein takes a 4-pitch walk. I’m glad someone is watching pitches!

Jody Gerut again swings at the first pitch! STOP DOING THAT! Grounds to first and the inning is over. My little boy is stranded.

 1:58pm

BOTTOM OF THE 3^RD

Mark Grant is a little lost this game. He’s been a little lost during this losing streak. I think this is really where Matty V. came into help. He just finished a minute long stretch talking about flip-down sunglasses.

Grant then goes into a rant about how the Blue Jays should go back to their old uniforms. I agree since I was on the Blue Jays in little league and kept my hat until it didn’t fit anymore. BUT, the Padres should also go back to the old brown and gold uniforms. Come on Grant – say it, you wuss!

Gaudin strikes out Matt “Shawn” Kemp to end the inning.

PADRES 1 – DODGERS 3

 2:10pm

TOP OF THE 4^TH

Quick ups, nothing notable happens except we look baffled by the game of Baseball.

 2:15pm

BOTTOM OF THE 4^TH

Gaudin strikes out former Astro Mark Loretta.

Another former Astro (and Padre) Brad Ausmus is up. I’m pretty sure Ausmus was supposed to retire with Bagwell and Biggio but forgot as he was too busy working on his lifetime batting average of .252! Gaudin walks him.

AUSMUS JUST STOLE A FREAKING BASE! He’s 40-years old!

Mark Grant just reminded me why I like him: After Chad Billingsley just popped out he said “He looked more like Barbara Billingsley on that swing.”

Inning over:

PADRES 1 – DICKHEADS 3

 2:26pm

TOP OF THE 5^TH

Hundley flies out to center.

Luis Rodriguez strikes out.

Chad Gaudin walks. It kinda sucks that our pitcher is the only one watching pitches.

Giles, after a walk to the pitcher, swings at the first pitch and flies out to left. WHAT THE EFF?! I’m sorry, I was a big Giles supporter, but so far this year he has looked horrible. He used to be able to take pitches and have a great OPS, but now, he just looks like he doesn’t care. I bet we trade him. I’m sorry – I hope we trade him.

 2:35pm

BOTTOM OF THE 5^TH

Of course after I talk shit about him Giles makes a great catch to rob James Loney and end the inning. Shut up.

PADRES 1 – DODGERS 3

 2:40pm

TOP OF THE 6^TH

Little Davey singles up the middle. Blush.

Gerut flies out to left center.

A-Gonz strikes out while Eckstein steals second with a big smile on his face and mine.

Headley walks.

Wild pitch, Eckstein and Headley advance to 3^rd and 2^nd respectively.

Edgar Gonz up. The tension has mounted and Edgar Gonz walks. Bases loaded with two outs.

Hundley is now up and I swear if he swings at the first pitch I’m throwing my laptop at the screen. Three straight strikes and Hundley is out swinging. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

 2:59pm

BOTTOM OF THE 6^TH

Gaudin strikes out Kemp again.

Former Brewer Mark Loretta flies out to right.

Brad Ausmus singles over the head of Davey Eck. Not hard – he’s 4ft. tall.

Castro singles to left and somehow Ausmus hustles to third.

They’re letting Billingsley bat for himself. (Please read the following sentence like a bitter 17-yr old homosexual male.) Such a Torre move. And just like everything in Torre’s life – it all works out and Chad singles Ausmus home. Shit.

Gaudin is done. Buddy Black making a change for a pitcher named Arturo Lopez. He’s making his 2^nd major league career appearance. I smell trouble.

Juan Pierre loops one to center and Castro scores. Told you, my nose never lies.

Orlando Hudson hits a 2-run double and I am spent. Who is Arturo Lopez? The guy who just raised my blood pressure by 10 points, that’s who.

Loney pops up and the inning is over. Ah, if it wasn’t the afternoon, I'd be 4 deep by now!

End of inning:

PADRES 1 – SONSABITCHES 7

 3:16pm

TOP OF THE 7^TH

Does anyone feel the way I do that Dodger stadium sucks? I hate that place. Broadcasters always talk about how beautiful it is and I don’t see it. The area around it is lame, the parking is horrific and you can’t walk around the stadium. It also looks like it was designed by the guy who designed the original People Mover for Disneyland.

Giles, trying his best to get back in my good graces, hits a homerun. He’s getting there, but not yet.

Even little Davey is failing on me. Strike out.

But, honestly Dodger stadium is a shit hole.

 3:27pm

BOTTOM OF THE 7^TH

You know what Dodger stadium does have that Petco doesn’t (Besides gang fights in the parking lot.)? An organ for ‘Take Me Out To The Ballgame’. I miss that organ.

Luis “G-Baby” Perdomo in to pitch and he quickly sits down the first two batters. I know last time I rode Perdomo, but he’s young and will make mistakes. I hope we can keep him around this season because I actually think he’ll work it out.

Former Red Stocking Mark Loretta up to bat. He grounds out.

End of the inning:

PADRES 2 – DODGERS 7

 3:33pm

I hate Fosters Farms commercials. Can we do something about that? They’re more annoying than the Aflac spots.

 3:34pm

TOP OF THE 8^TH

Will Ohman in to pitch for the Doyers.

Gerut smacks a homerun to right. I knew I liked him.

A-Gonz singles through the whole in center. They shifted him and he shifted them! Ha!

And just like that Joe Torre comes out to pull the hook on Ohman. As Mark Grant just said “Oh Man!”, eww. Torre hangs out with Mafia guys, right? He has to. 1) He’s Italian 2) He was the man in Yankee land and 3) He killed a guy.

Ramon Tronscoso in to pitch for the Dodgers.

Headley up with one on and no outs. He strikes out looking.

Edgar up to bat. He’s battling and is the ONLY one who has been doing so in this game. Tear, he flies out to right.

Nick Hundley up with two down and one on. Swings at the first damn pitch AGAIN! Ground out.

 3:49pm

BOTTOM OF THE 8^TH

Perdomo still on the mound and Brad Ausmus is up to bat.

Ausmus grounds out to short.

Loretta flies out to center.

Casey Blake pinch-hitting. I always liked Casey Blake and wished he became a Padre. He’s not that good anymore, so we’ll most likely get him in two years. He pops out.

Inning over:

PADRES 3 – JERKS 7

 3:54pm

TOP OF THE 9^TH

Last chance for romance.

Luis Rodriguez up. He flies out the right.

Scott Hairston in to pinch-hit. He grounds out to first.

Brian Giles flies to Left.

GAME OVER:

PADRES 3 – DOYERS 7

 

GAME RECAP:

Man, that one hurt. That one really hurt. The Pads have now lost five in a row and have dropped from the top to the bottom of the division in less than a week and a half. I know it’s early and we all knew the Pads were overachieving. No one was really under the impression that we’d go to the playoffs or something, but it’s like I said in the last game recap: It was fun to watch because we were playing old school baseball and looking good doing it. Taking pitches, moving runners, forcing the walks and then taking advantage. But, what happened is what I was afraid of, we lost a couple games in a row and then started to press and get off-balance. We look a lot like last years Padres and that ain’t good. All I asked for this season was to watch fun baseball not winning baseball. I was going into it knowing we would not contend and being okay with that. I’m not okay with watching the team I love lug around the field like a bunch of Goth kids who just got told they had to run the mile in P.E. I need this team to pick up the pace and go back to doing what made them good in the beginning of the season: Fundamentals. I mean FUN is right there in the word!

 

See ya next week.

 

 

Dallas' Running Diary of the Padres v. Giants Game 4/21

As I sit down for my first of hopefully many running diaries this year there are a few things you should know:

1)    I haven’t had a drink yet.

2)    I’m wearing my Tony Gwynn shirt. It might be the greatest Gywnn shirt of all time and is in the running for the greatest shirt of all time. 

3)    This year, long time Padre TV broadcaster Matt Vasgersian left the Padres to take the helm of the MLB Network. He was one of my favorite broadcaster’s of all time and is friggin’ great on the MLB Network. He was fast becoming a beloved media figure in San Diego and like all famous sports figures in San Diego they leave right before they get really good. So, let’s put him the same book as Dave Winfield, Ozzie Smith and Jason Bay. He is sorely missed and Mark Grant sounds more and more lost with every pitch thrown.

4)    I just got down watching Episode 3 of Season 1 of the Sopranos.

Game time 7:15pm

TOP OF THE 1^ST INNING

Matt Cain is pitching for the Giants and just gave lead off man Jody Gerut 2 balls in a row. Can we just talk about the Gerut hustle please? He’s 33 and moves better than most 22 year olds. Cain on the other hand is a crafty right-hander that works very slowly. Watching him pitch is like watching two girls eating salads talking about weddings.

Single Gerut.

Eckstein is up. Oh sweet little boy. Honestly David Eckstein has been the sparkplug that the Padres needed this year. It’s fun to have someone care about what their doing. Win or lose it actually makes you have fun watching the game. I mean it was always fun watching Khalil Green struggle but in the words of Kevin Towers: “After three seasons, we just won’t put up with that anymore.”

Cain delivers a wild pitch and Gerut moves to second. Cain looks rattled, because Eckstein is up and he is my little golden boy. Seriously, that kid takes pitches like Paul O’Neill in the 90’s!

Eckstein takes 2 pitches, lays down a bunt on the 3^rd pitch to move Gerut to 3^rd base. Eckstein of course hustles. He’s beautiful. I can definitely see why NAMBLA was formed.

Brian Giles singles on an odd chopper to the Giants Jap 1^st baseman. Gerut scores. Remember Pearl Harbor!

Padres up by one.

7:25pm

BOTTOM OF THE 1^ST

Peavy is pitching for the Pads. He’s considered our ace. It’s true, but let’s not be stupid – the WBC fucked up his arm, just like it did last time. I’m all for the WBC, but it’s going to ruin some people’s careers.

Fred Lewis singles off Peavy. See what I’m saying? No way Peavy gives up a lead off single last season. Now I hate the WBC. Bud Selig is a retard.

Peavy strikes out one Randy Winn. Hey, remember when The Devil Rays traded Randy Winn to the Mariners for Lou Pinella? That was a weird trade then and it’s even weirder now. If you’re Winn, are you bummed you left the Devil Rays to be on a last place Mariners squad then move to a miserable Bochy squad in the bay area? Or are you happy to leave a terrible baseball city that cares more about a shitty football team? It’s a toss up.

End of the first, Padres still up one to nil.

7:35pm

TOP OF THE 2^ND

Kouzmanoff singles to left. Cain seriously works so slow my brain is trying to eat itself.

Blanco strikes out. It’s ok though. He’s got to be in the Mexican mafia. He has to be. So, that means no matter what he does it’s good. I’m not getting my throat slit for a joke.

Luis Rodriguez strikes out. Even though he looked better in the first week of the season, I still like him. He takes pitches, hustles and is an average fielder. I know he doesn’t have Khalil’s defense but he also doesn’t swing at the same outside slider three times in a row!

Peavy pops out. He’s a pitcher.

7:44pm

BOTTOM OF THE 2^ND

Pablo Sandoval is up. He’s the Giants 3^rd baseman but looks like Prince Fielder. I see an issue arising at some point.

They just showed Bochy for the first time. I’ve made a couple observations about Bochy over the past year with the Giants. 1) He seems way more animated with this team than he ever did with the Padres. I remember him sitting in the dugout sometimes just sleeping. 2) Like when he was with the Padres he seems like he doesn’t care that his team is sucking balls! I think he’s a lame duck coach. If he was a Bond he’d be George Lazenby.

7:50pm

TOP OF THE 3^RD

Gerut pops up.

Eckstein watches two pitches, singles on the 3^rd through the whole into left field. I want to hold him in my arms and feed him.

Giles grounds into a double play. My loyal support of Brian Giles is starting to waiver. What happened to his eye? He used to be Mr. Pitch Count. Now, it’s like since Eckstein is in front of him he feels like he doesn’t have to take pitches, when the exact opposite is true!

7:55pm

BOTTOM OF THE 3^RD

Edgar “Remember When I Was A World Series Hero” Renteria singles and moves over on a Matt Cain bunt who is also safe cause A-Gonz decided to be a bonehead for five seconds.

Peavy walks the bases loaded with nobody out…um…WORLD…BASEBALL…CLASSIC.

Renteria scores on a double play. Tie ball game.

Winn pops up. Inning over. Seriously, do you think Winn thinks about what would have happened of he stayed with the Rays? Even if he stayed with the Mariners. I mean going to the Giants? Why? So he could play with Bonds? Doesn’t make any sense.

PADRES 1 - GIANTS 1

8:03pm

TOP OF THE 4^TH

A-Gonz singles to Right.

My roommate Travis just walked in with $5 footlongs! Perfect timing, Cain is working so slow I bet I can eat the whole thing before he records another out. By the way, who doesn’t love the $5 footlong? It’s a genius move. Have you gone to a Subway without a line in the last month? That song fucking sucks, but they are laughing all the way to the friggin' bank.

Chase Headley singles up the middle. A-Gonz moves to 2^nd.

Kouz lines one off the wall in Right. A-Gonz slowly running home with Headley right on his heels, literally. The throw home beats both of them but Molina misses the tag on A-Gonz who is safe and Headley, who tries to hurdle over Molina, gets tagged out in mid-air! What the hell just happened? Bochy out to complain!? He woke up? Amazingly, the ump got it right! That doesn’t happen often. As Travis just said: “That’s why Baseball is so great, cause you see something new almost every game.” He’s right and as I’m typing this Mark Neely on the broadcast is saying the same thing. That was friggin' strange. I’m starting a petition to get Travis hired at Channel 4.

Luis Rodriguez pops out. Kouz is stranded on 3^rd base.

Padres back up one!

8:22pm

BOTTOM OF THE 4^TH

Peavy is getting mothereffin squeezed! The ump is giving him nothing right now although he is clearly pitching on the black.

Well, shit. Peavy hangs one over the middle and Renteria hits a grand slam. Again I say if Jake never pitched this winter he does not hang that breaking ball. He’s smarter than that but his arm is not listening to his brain.

End of the inning

PADRES 2 - GIANTS 5

8:28pm

TOP OF THE 5^TH

They just announced Peavy just gave up his first career grand slam. Peavy is up; Cain is still pitching at a grandmother’s pace. I need a drink.

PADRES 2 - GIANTS 5 - DALLAS’ COORS LIGHT’S 1

What’s the only thing that could make me happier right now? Oh, Eckstein hitting a single on his 5^th pitch of his at bat. He has rosy cheeks. He really does.

Giles pops up again and strands Davey. Which reminds me of something I yelled when I saw the same thing happen live at a game a couple weeks ago: GET USED TO THAT ECKSTEIN! YOU MIGHT AS WELL BRING YOUR GLOVE WITH YOU EVERY TIME YOU HIT A SINGLE!

8:41pm

BOTTOM OF THE 5^TH

Peavy walks one, but gets out of the inning with no harm done. Seriously, I’m pretty bummed about that slam. Seriously bro.

PADRES 2 - GIANTS 5

8:46pm

TOP OF THE 6^TH

A-Gonz singles to center.

Has anyone noticed that Chase Headley looks like the child of Mike Darr (RIP) and Mark Kotsay? He struck out.

You know, Mark Grant is surprisingly holding his own without Matty in the booth. His pitching insight is actually informative and he’s laying off the corny jokes.

Blanco flies out. Viva Blanco! Good at bat.

8:56pm

BOTTOM OF THE 6^TH

Aaron Rowand pops up. I have a theory for some reason that Aaron Rowand and Turk Wendell hang out together. Like really hang out together. Like do some blow, beat up gay people and surf. When I look at both of them I see all three of those things happening, and usually in a row.

The Giants have a female stadium announcer. It sounds odd. They shouldn’t ever have a woman in that capacity. I know San Francisco is a progressive city, but when a woman says ‘now batting Edgar RENTERIA!” It just sounds like she’s yelling at me to get my life together.

By the way, Renteria just singled in another run and was tagged out trying to stretch it into a double.

PADRES 2 - GIANTS 6 - DALLAS’ COORS LIGHT’S 2

9:04pm

TOP OF THE 7^TH

Luis Rodriguez singles to right.

Edgar “Older Little Brother” Gonzalez pinch hits for Peavy and pops out.

Bochy makes an inexplicable pitching change. Lefty Jeremy Affeldt in with an ERA over 5. I’m turning my hat inside out right now.

Hairston hitting for Gerut. Not a bad move. Never thought I’d be thinking that let alone writing it down for other people to see.

Hairston singles up the middle. Rodriguez to second.

Wally Cleaver up to bat. He grounds with a force on Hairston. Runners at the corners with two outs.

FUCK YOU GILES YOU FUCKING IDIOT!

I may or may not have just yelled that out my window. Giles, first pitch swinging grounds out.

In the immortal words of my roommate Travis “I hate Brian Giles.” I doubt the channel 4 broadcast team will be echoing his comments this time, but they should.

9:15pm

BOTTOM OF THE 7^TH

Luis Perdomo on the mound for the Friars. Not only does his arm look sweet, he has quite the swagger. He’s walking around the mound like Doughboy from Boyz in the Hood.

Perdomo sets down the side. He looks good. Where was he the other day when Moreno lost the game against the Phils?

End of the inning.

PADRES 2 - GIANTS 6

9:26pm

TOP OF THE 8^TH

Headley hits a single to center. Nice placement.

Pitching change to Bob Howry who has always been a pretty good pitcher and I thought actually was the subject matter for the movie ‘The Rookie’. I was wrong, it was about Dennis Quaid.

Howry sits them down. This is all coming apart. I’m stating it right now: I BLAME MORENO IF THE PADRES HAVE A LOSING SEASON. I hope I’m not right.

9:34pm

BOTTOM OF THE 8^TH

Perdomo continues to impress.

You know who Perdomo reminds me of? A more talented Brian Lawrence.

Ahshit. I spoke way too soon. I’m retarded. He might be terrible.

A bunch of dudes just showed up because it’s out friend Jon’s 21^st birthday. We’re going to Effins and McMurphy’s up the street from my house. He’s young and might end up dead tonight.

Ok, I was right the second time. Perdomo sucks.

PADRES 2 - GIANTS 8 – DALLAS’ COORS LIGHT’S 3

Frankie De La Cruz in to pitch. Who?

He just got the last out, that’s who.

Inning over. Thank God.

9:49pm

Viagra commercial. Don’t you kind of want to try it? I really do. I might get some. If I do I’ll definitely do a running diary about what happens with that.

9:50pm

TOP OF THE 9^TH

Justin Miller in to close out the romp for the Giants.

Rodriguez gets a walk.

The newest Friar Chris Burke is up. He wears high socks. You can never hate a ballplayer who wears high socks. He pops up and walks his high socks back to the dugout.

Mark Grant is talking about Justin Miller’s tattoos. You know we're heading for a loss.

Hairston singles pass the 3^rd baseman Sandoval.

The Beav is up.  He pops up. It doesn’t really matter since he is my golden boy.

Bochy again making an inexplicable pitching change so a lefty can face Giles to get the last out in a 6-run ballgame. Is anyone really that upset that Boch left?

Giles singles in a run! Bochy is a really great manager.

A-Gonz grounds out. Game over.

PADRES 3 - GIANTS 8

GAME RECAP:

14 hits. The Padres got 14 hits in that game and only scored 3 times. This looks a lot like the Padres team that lost 99 games last year. Eckstein literally looks like he’s going to cry. That actually makes me kinda happy. You see the biggest difference I’ve noticed in these first 14 games is that the Padres are playing fundamental baseball; which is way more fun to watch as a fan. They know they don’t have power so they’re moving runners over instead of just striking out going for the long ball. And I know chicks dig the long ball but season ticket holders dig the W. Eckstein getting emotional on a loss three weeks in gives me hope that although we might not contend for much longer let alone the whole season, we will be fun to watch again. I’m getting exactly what I thought I would this season: An okay team playing hard. It’s kind of like watching Korea and Japan in the WBC. They played fundamentals and were a joy to watch, and they beat the US team easily. My hope is that these guys don’t get too full of themselves and frustrated. I need this feeling to last like I need to lower my blood pressure.

 

See ya next week.