Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Legal Chicks Dig The Change Up

By Nick McCann

Watching the Padres’ season dissolve into nothing has begun to feel numb. Sure, we will probably have a huge May (like we do), people will show up to the park again, Jake Peavy will rip an abdomen muscle after a fist pump, the season will be lost, and then it will come out that Jerry Coleman has been dead for three years.

Same old…same old…

Five years from now we will not remember this season. We won’t be able to distinguish it in our memories from last year, or the next year. But if there is one thing we can rally around, it is rooting for Greg Maddux to increase his win total past Roger Clemens.

Maddux, after last night, is stuck at 349 wins, and Clemens, after ruining his rep in the off-season, is stuck at 354.

Clemens, Maddux, Pedro Martinez, and Randy Johnson are going to compared for the rest of our lives because they are the best pitchers from the Steroid Era. Maddux has an opportunity to improve his status in the next few years within the argument because Roger has become a walking miniseries, Pedro’s arm is about to go Dave Dravecky (still too soon? Sorry), and Randy Johnson, the only other relevant starter in the discussion, is going to be this generation’s Nolan Ryan, minus the win total.

The Rocket has had a bad week. It came out on Monday that he might have had sex with a 15-year-old girl when he was 28, and then carried on a relationship with her for ten years. Judging from my experience with dudes that have shared his hairstyle choices over the years, I believe he did it.

Apparently, Clemens met country semi-star Mindy McCready at a Karaoke Bar in the south before she could legally drive a car. Now, we don’t know exactly what happened, but we all know what happened:

Roger Clemens, Mindy McCready, and Mike Greenwell Hang Out at a Bar
By Nick McCann


(Mike Greenwell and Roger Clemens are sitting at a table in a bar in Texas talking to a waitress)

Waitress
Hey, I’m gonna need to see some ID.

Clemens
What? (He pulls out a card and hands it to her)

Waitress
This is your NRA card.

Clemens
Sorry miss. (He pulls out his ID)

Waitress
Thanks. Two beers coming up right up (The Waitress turns around to see a young girl getting up to sing Karaoke) Go Min. That’s my sis.

Clemens
Who gives a shit? (she walks away)

Mike Greenwell
Easy Roger. Remember what happened on the train?

Clemens
Fuck that bitch.

Mike
The waitress?

Clemens
I did.

Mike
Really?

Clemens
I’m The Rocket; you better assume it!

Mike
Okay. (Mindy starts to sing a Patsy Cline song. Roger looks up and is floored by her youthful beauty. After her song, Mindy skips by Mike and Roger’s table. Roger grabs her and throws her on his lap.)

Mindy
Do I know you?

Clemens
I’m The Rocket and I am about to take off.

Mindy
Oh okay.

Clemens
Do you have your ticket?

Mike
Oh my God. (Mike puts his head down and thinks to himself) In 15 years I’m going to read about this. I should have played poker with Dwight Evans tonight.

Mindy
I’ll go get my purse from behind the bar. (Mindy walks away)

Mike
That girl is a baby.

Clemens
Where there is grass-

Mike
No Rodger…no…

The End
Greg Maddux seems like a good guy, and he looks like a guy that would probably stay away from fifteen year olds. Why can't the Padres at least rally around that?

3 comments:

Sean said...

Baseball players are so cool.

Red said...

I've been a huge Maddux fan forever and it's totally because he would never sleep with a minor. Or because he's amazingly talented and smokin' hot. One of those two.

reeveoliver said...

this made me feel.