Ask An AL East Fan

By Nick McCann

Last night the Padres suffered their second straight devastating loss to the San Francisco Giants. After the game, the contributors at The Kept Faith got together at clubhouse by the old the mill to kick cans, skip rocks across the lake, and talk about how jealous we are of people who are lucky enough to be fans of the good teams in the AL East. We talk about this all the time. In fact, we specifically fantasize about being Yankees and Red Sox fans, making ourselves believe that we would be able to do it better. And then we start to cry.

Enough of this nonsense! It is time to ask an actual real life AL East Team fan what it is like to have everything.

This morning I stopped a female in her mid-twenties wearing a Boston Red Sox cap while she was littering, and asked her if she would do an interview to help those of us in Padre Nation to understand where she was coming from. She replied, “San Diego, is that the city where the Patriots had that scrimmage before the Super Bowl?”

She would have to do.

Nick McCann: So, I’ll just ask the obvious, how does it feel to win it all?

The AL Lady: It’s really weird for me to be fielding questions on winning a championship. A lot of people don’t know this, but the Red Sox actually went 86 years between World Series wins. If I had to sum it up with one phrase, I’d say “heaven on a stick.” If that doesn’t make sense, well, you’ve obviously never seen your team win it all.

NM: Do you think there is a lack of coverage on the Red Sox in the National Media?

ALL: No. I think the last time I watched Sportscenter they had a 10 minute segment on Curt Schilling’s rehab, 5 minutes on how Daisuke Matsuzaka is going to feel about American baseball now that he’s seeing the parks for the second time around, and they ended the show with a 3 minute demonstration on “Manny being Manny.” That sounds about right. I mean, what if Manny wasn’t quite Manny one day? That would mean that I might not quite be me. Wait, have you heard anything? Do you have Sportscenter updates on your phone?

NM: Why would I need that? I’m a Padre fan.

ALL: I don’t know what that means. Seriously, I think there’s probably just the right amount of coverage of the Sox. You don’t want them to go overboard and have people get sick of us. You know who could use more coverage though? Tom Brady. Can you believe he’s dating Giselle? God, some girls get everything.

NM: Speaking of having everything… Do you think it is fair that the Yankees and Red Sox have significantly more money to spend on players than the other teams in the league? For instance, did you know that if the Marlins played the Yankees today, A-Rod would be making seven million dollars more than the entire Florida roster combined? How does that imbalance make you feel?

ALL: YANKEES SUCK! YANKEES SUCK! A-ROD IS AN A-HOLE! A-ROD WEARS A PURSE! THE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN A-ROD AND DEREK JETE…. Wait, I’m sorry what was the question? Oh right, the money thing. You know, I think I can best explain it by paraphrasing Scrooge MacDuck in “Mickey’s Christmas Carol.” See, in that film, these two guys come in collecting for the poor, and Uncle Scrooge explains that if he gives them money, then there won’t be any poor people any more. Then those two guys would be out of a job, and become poor themselves, and then the cycle will start all over again. Scrooge didn’t want to be responsible for perpetuating the cycle of poverty. That’s kind of how I feel about small market teams. You’re probably about to point out the irony that I’m defending my team’s budget using the logic of the greediest duck in literature, but remember, in the end, Scrooge changes his ways and becomes good, sort of like the luxury tax. What I’m trying to say is, you’re wrong. And what do you want anyway, some pinko-commie salary cap like the NFL?

NM: Well if you are the best market for baseball and you believe it is a free market system, should the Padres be able to move to Boston and get in on the action? Should the Royals be able to open up shop in the Bronx if that is a great place to make money in the business of baseball?

ALL: The Padres and the who? Oh right, right, the Royals – that blue team from the middle. The one with the guy. Sure you guys have the right to move the team. Not sure why anyone would want to move to the Bronx though. It smells lately … of failure!!! But why would you want your team to move at all? Wouldn’t that kind of defeat the purpose of your blog? Which would in turn defeat your purpose in life? Like, existentially speaking? Man, I really wish you had Sportscenter on your phone so we could check and see if Manny’s still being Manny.

NM: Hold on, let me just check the ESPN Update Chip I had installed in my brain (Blink Blink) Manny is still Manny, and Peter Gammons still wants to blow him.

ALL: Wants to? HAHAHAHAHA. That’s really funny. Like when pitchers try to hit.