Wednesday, April 2, 2008

2 and Oh, Are Jake And Roy Friends?

by Nick McCann

Going into the second night of any season, it is natural to only be able to talk about the first game. Jake Peavy destroyed the Astros almost by himself and left his best friend in baseball, Roy Oswalt, with a sour taste in his mouth to start off the year. Most of the San Diego media spent Tuesday before the game talking about Jake and Roy being friends. Apparently Jake Peavy has done nothing to hide the fact that when the Astros come to town, Roy Oswalt stays with him and his wife.

Both athletes are extremely tough competitors on the field, but there seems to be a serious concern about fraternization overload among modern athletes. Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt are arguably the best players on their major league teams, they are millionaires, and they are in their 20s. They are probably having a good time being who they are and they are probably sharing life experiences that most of us will never be able to imagine.

Well I can.

Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt Bury a Dead Hooker
By Nick McCann (look for the musical beginning production at Mesa College 2008 Fall Semester)

(Roy and Jake are digging a ditch somewhere in Poway late at night)

Roy- Hey man, I think she is still breathing.

Jake- We can’t have that. Can you imagine the Outside The Lines on ESPN?

Roy- Shit.

Jake- It is the beginning of the season, buck up, and just pour the dirt on her so we can go!

Roy- Okay- Oh shit! I just dropped my blackberry in the mud. (Jake grabs Roy’s shoulder)

Jake- I’ll buy you another one, man. After all, you are my best friend.

Roy- Well…best friend in Baseball.

Jake- I thought I was your best friend…in life.

Roy- In real life?

Jake- What is that?

Roy- It is something we will never talk about again.

Jake- Roy, should we tell someone that this hooker died on us?

Roy- No, we are playing a game against each other tomorrow.

Jake- Oh, right. We can’t forget about the fans.

The End

Because the Astros will be in town for a few days, we must assume that Roy stayed at Jake’s after the Opening Night game. I’m sure they had a good time, but I wonder if they are such good friends that they have a super secret special hiding place at Petco Park when they both don’t have to pitch. If this happened during the Chris Young victory last night, it is hard to imagine what they would talk about.

Well I can try.

Jake Peavy and Roy Oswalt’s Super Secret Special Spot
By Nick McCann (interpretive ballet currently in production at Mesa College)

(Jake and Roy are sitting in a dark corner in empty hallway somewhere in Petco Park. They are both eating sunflower seeds and watching a TV screen. The 8th inning has just ended)

Roy- Man, can we watch The Scorpion King again tonight?

Jake- Hell yeah! I think that goes with out saying. It’s our movie.

Roy- The Rock is so fucking hard.

Jake- Yeah. The thing is we can’t have any more popcorn fights. My wife said if we pull that crap again, no more sleepovers.

Roy- Okay. So, this Heath Bell guy can really deal. Do you think he will take Trevor Hoffman’s spot?

Jake- Don’t ask me that here.

Roy- Why not?

Jake- These walls have ears and you don’t say bad things about Trevor.

Roy- That is crazy.

Jake- Yeah, it is crazy Roy. I bet you think Mike Darr really died in a car accident.

Roy- Hey, I feel you. When I was a rookie I made a joke about Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell pulled a knife on me.

Jake- I heard Craig Biggio walks on water over there.

Roy- I’ve seen it.

Jake- Hey Roy. I can’t stop thinking about that dead hooker. I see her everywhere.

Roy- It’s always hard the first time. There will be others.

Jake- Right. It’s just that last night in the third inning when I heard the announcer say, “Now batting Lance Berkman,” I looked over and I saw her face. She was wearing the uniform and adjusting her batting gloves.

Roy- It didn’t seem to rattle your performance.

Jake- Yeah, it’s not like I blew the game like Trevor- (Before Jake can finish his sentence, he feels an explosion go off in his heart. He looks up and sees smoke coming out of Roy Oswalt’s mouth and fire in his eyes.)

Roy- Man, I really really really love Hell’s Bells! (Jake looks at the TV screen and watches Trevor Hoffman walk to the mound.)

The End

Trevor Hoffman’s first save of the season will always be special.

1 comment:

Red said...

That was hilarious.