Nastia Nastia Nastia...She is Just So Perfect

By Nick McCann

America needs to stop jerking off over Mike Phelps. He is good at what he does, he has big feet and hands, and he eats 12,000 calories a day…blah blah blah. Olympic Swimming would give a medal to the towel boy if he shaved his back.

More importantly, people need to get over the “purity of sports." The best athletes in the world play for the most money. We all know that Mike Phelps just wasn’t good enough at basketball. And we all know that every track and field guy was too small for football. Deal with it. There is no male athlete in the world that would rather be an Olympic Champion in a sport that gets attention every four years over being at least a forgettable player in the NBA, NFL, MLB, or European Soccer.

That said, Women’s Gymnastics is great.

Last night I drank four Steel Reserves (cans) and watched Nastia Liukin get after it and win the Gold for USA. I think I love that sport because it is basically a beauty contest with a little more spandex and a little more integrity. I assure you it is not because I like to look at little girls, but the simple fact that I know all those little girls (who could probably kick my ass) hate each other. I don’t like calling women bitches as a generalization, but I do believe that every woman possesses a bitch side. Guys know when this side is on display. You can see it in the eyes. If it is not directed at you, it is probably the greatest source of natural entertainment on the planet. All the girls that performed last night in the All Around had said look in their eyes and it was awesome because their feelings were completely surpressed. Essentially, it was like watching a classy and controlled girl fight. Instead of ripping out the other girl's hair, you had to nail your landing off the beam. They hugged and gave each other fake smiles, but we all know that all the losers would have shanked little Nastia with a rusty knife if they got the chance.

I woke up this morning feeling like somebody kicked me in the stomach and then shit down my throat. Don’t drink Steel Reserve by itself (or by yourself). The best way to do it is to drink a 22 of really good beer, then Steel Reserve, and then finish with another 22 of that same good beer. Learn from my mistakes.

Feeling groggy getting into my car to go to work this morning, I saw a jogger wearing an old 1992 Dream Team USA Basketball jersey. My first thought was Chris Mullin was rad and then I started to think about what I would do if I could make the Olympics better.

These Are The Ideas I Came Up With While Sitting In Traffic and Listening to PM Dawn.

Fencing
The problem with Fencing is that, as a sport, they successfully took out everything cool about the activity. A sword fight should be to the death. Now, I am not saying that we need to get Roman with it, but I think it would be cool to protect all the fatal zones (face shield, cover the heart, etc.), while leaving the arms and legs exposed. This way in the middle of the fight, blood could be drawn to add drama. Let's be real, we all want the sword fight between Indigo Montoya and The Man In Black from The Princess Bride. To achieve this, we also would need different levels of platforms, ropes, and a cliff to add danger. Sports are about stakes and fencing would be the greatest sport in the world if it felt like one guy had killed the other guy's father.

Track and Field
Bring back Carl Lewis and let him sing the National Anthem.

Boxing
Ditch the scoring system, and adopt the idea of team boxing. Four on four in the ring, seeing who would win in a bar fight (fencing should have this too). MMA is coming. Be prepared, boxing. Your hair is turning red and your mom is about to start fucking a guy that isn't your dad.

Men's Gymnastics
Uh...what could I....Uh...the rings are cool...man?

Women’s Gymnastics
Keep everything the same, except add to the prize. Along with the gold medal, every country should nominate a heartthrob Teen Magazine cover dude who is forced to become the Individual All-Around winner’s slave for the rest of the games. Example: This year, Nastia Liukin would get her medal and Zac Ephron for a week. She could dress him up, hold his hand, and French kiss him in front of all the other girls. They would hate her even more, and she would love it.

Swimming
Gators!

In closing, I'm tired of people asking me if I saw the opening ceremony. I didn't, but I don't care, because it couldn't have been anywhere near as cool as seeing Janet Jackson’s titty.