Since I was right about last years World Series winner I have even more pressure this year. Pressure from myself mind you, no one else cares. And I mean no one. However, like always I will do my very best and all of these picks are real. Like the Real World season two. The one with Dominick and the cowboy. Here we go (said as if we you were sliding down a slide.)!
Let’s start with the AL, or as I like to call it: the American League:
-The Yankees’ season is cursed on week two when Scott Brosius wearing a long black cloak walks to the pitchers mound, points a boney finger at Phil Hughes and says, “Beeeewwwwaaarrreee.” They go on to lose 90 games and Phil Hughes is turned into stone.
-The Rays decide on a new promotional night for fans where the players dress like their favorite Ray! Evan Longoria dresses like Ray Liotta and Matt Garza like Ray Kinsella, but the night ends tragically when Manny, dressed as Ray Charles, throws a ball into the stands and hits the one fan in attendance square between the eyes.
-The Orioles show a lot of promise in April.
-The Blue Jays change their name to the Canada Blues. They lose 115 games and Adam Lind goes on to have the best-selling jersey of the year.
-The Red Sox have Adrian. (Sigh)
AL EAST CHAMP: The Red Sox. Adrian. (Sigh)
- The Twins officially retire Justin Morneau without his knowledge. When he shows up they just tell him to “go to the booth” where he begins a long lengthy broadcast career without his knowledge.
- The White Sox continue to start a pitching staff that is almost as boring as this sentence. They win 90 games.
- The Tigers give Miguel Cabrera one more chance to pull his life together. Once he doesn’t the Tigers give him another chance and then another one. Jim Leyland finally strangles him to death to which the Tigers respond by signing Cabrera to a 6-year extension.
- The Indians excited by the “hype” surrounding Charlie Sheen sign him to a 1-yr deal as a closer. The one stipulation: He must change his name to Rick Vaughn. Sadly, no one calls Corbin Bernsen. Emilio Estevez is also made 3rd base coach.
- The Royals call meetings with Major League brass to update their image but all the numbers they call are “out of service”.
AL CENTRAL CHAMP: The Tigers
- The Angels announce that the angels they have always meant to represent come from the Mormon religion forcing the team to live by BYU’s student conduct handbook. By the all-star break only Torii Hunter and Jered Weaver are not suspended. They still win 89 games.
- The A’s try something new in 2011: starting a team no one has ever heard of. The idea works great and they end up successfully moving their team anywhere else.
- The Rangers stunned by the success of Colby Lewis move their franchise to Japan and win every Championship till the end of time (May 21st, 2011).
- The Mariners are a really bad team.
AL WEST CHAMPS: The Angels
WILD CARD: New York Yankees
AMERICAN LEAGUE CHAMPS: Boston Red Sox
Now on to the NL or as I like to call it, The League That Used to Have Adrian.
- The Mets donate $300 billion to Bud Selig’s family securing them the right to win every other game, yet they still somehow lose 114. Someone blames injuries.
- The Braves have a new manager.
- The Marlins draw more fans this year than every MLB team when it’s announced they’ll be using actual marlins for bats. Josh Johnson starves in protest and wins the NL Cy Young.
- The Phillies, now free of Jayson Werth once again gain favor with God and go on to win 161 games. On the flipside…
- The Nationals, now burdened with the demon spawn known as Jayson Werth are forced to build a dome as God continues to rain down hail, snow and lightning anytime Werth starts.
NL EAST CHAMPS: The Phillies
- The Cubs young shortstop phenom Starlin Castro unexpectedly hits 40 homeruns and bats .315 forcing the Cubs into the playoffs. On the way to the locker room he is touched by Bartman and then blown up by Cubs fans ‘just to make sure’.
- The Reds lose 60 games before realizing they were good last year. They try to pull it together, but it’s too as Scott Rolen has already been traded for an older and more injury prone third baseman.
- The Brewers try to trade Zack Greinke after he forces the entire team into depression by May. It fails to happen and Greinke wins 30 games, but absolutely no one is happy about it.
- The Pirates try sooo hard.
- The Astros continue to be a Major League Baseball team and no one really cares.
- The Cardinals continue to have Albert Pujols.
NL CENTRAL CHAMPS: The Brewers
- The Diamondbacks hire Kevin Towers and watch as he signs Sean Burroughs to a deal. Wait…that already happened. Um…I’m not sure how I can make fun of that more.
- The Rockies release a statement saying they are no longer responsible for Todd Helton’s actions as he’s now an adult and can do what he wants.
- The Dodgers are all stupid…you know it’s really hard to rip on the Dodgers now that Donnie Baseball is the man in charge. Seriously, as a Padres fan its my duty and I’m failing.
- The Giants blindfold Barry Zito and walk him into a room. They take off the blindfold revealing a room full of hummus, water and an acoustic guitar. They push him down and lock the door. At the end of the season a janitor opens the door to find a decomposing Zito and lyrics to the greatest Jack Johnson song never written on the wall in blood.
- The Padres sign one more aging player trying to bounce back from a terrible 2010, thus putting them over the legal limit.
NL WEST CHAMPS: The Giants
WILDCARD: The Cardinals
NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPS: The Phillies
WORLD SERIES CHAMPS: The Phillies
I’m fully aware that these picks look eerily similar to last years, but who cares? Until we hit the salary cap you’ll be seeing the same guys over and over again. That’s a right purist - we need a salary cap. I want a Pirates/Royals World Series! I want it. And so do you, just admit it.
Here’s to a fantastic 2011 Season! Go Pads and Keep the Faith!