It Could Be The Best Worst Season Ever

By Nick McCann

Padres’ pitcher Chris Young left Wednesday's game in the third inning after being hit in the face by a line drive off the bat of St. Louis first baseman Albert Pujols. At the time of the injury, the Padres were leading the Cardinals 2-0 after a two-run home run by Adrian Gonzalez in the first inning. Young was then taken to Scripps Hospital in Torrey Pines with a nasal fracture and a laceration on his nose.

And then the Lakers beat the Spurs.

This season is becoming more and more fascinating because we already know it is a train wreck, but we still have a long way to go and more bodies to count in the wreckage. Chris Young is the Padres’ second best pitcher and probably second best player. Now his nose is smashed and there is nothing his Princeton education can do about it.

Where are we going with this disaster? What else can happen that would be bad, but also interesting?

The Top Five Bad Things That Could Happen to the Padres that Would Make The Season More Memorable.

5.
Chris Young Nose Job Night! Everyone who wears medical tape on their nose during Young’s first start back gets two dollars off on their 9-dollar beer. Sorry 7$ beer night, the Padres’ talent on their roster looks and feels like a bad topical comedian, so take a back seat.

4.
The Crucifixion of Kevin Brown Night with a free giveaway of stone throwing stones from The Stone Brewery. He would probably come back three days later and say something like, "I hate Shamu! Give me a Dodger Dog!"

3.
The San Diego Chicken bombs on his only performance of the year. Few people know this but the reason why the The San Diego Chicken, the most groundbreaking pioneer within the mascot genre, was fired by the Padres was because the players, lead by Tony Gwynn, complained that he was stealing from “their” show. AlthoughTony’s show in the late 80s was basically the blueberry scene in Willy Wonka (I had dream once about watching that scene where I was watching it with a bunch of really excited LA Crips), Tony always gets his way. What if the Chicken just came out and tried all of his classic bits and nobody laughed except for Tony sitting in the announcer’s booth? He would probably turn over to Mark Grant and say, “JUSTICE!”

2.
The Padres make a bad trade for Ken Griffey Jr. during this weekend’s series. He is basically Jim Edmonds with a little more pop and he wouldn’t help us at all, but he would allow those of us (me) who grew up in the 90s idolizing The Kid, a chance see him in our home uniform. He would probably complain about the ballpark with the rest of the hacks in the lineup, but with 600 plus homeruns to back him up, I would listen.

1.
Khalil Green has a religious breakthrough during the top half of an inning, takes his clothes off, and walks away from his MLB career. He then goes into the clubhouse and writes a note on his locker that says, this isn’t what I want, but you will see me again. He then travels the world playing baseball in Japan, South America, Europe, and a few pick up games in Africa, all while looking for a common truth within every version of the game. Decades later, at Bruce Bochy’s funeral, a stranger dressed in a black cloak will step forward and reveal himself. It will be Khalil. He will stand there before everyone having not aged or cut his hair, and say, “I found in my travels that striking out too much sucks where ever baseball is played.” Then he will vanish into the night.