Indiana Jones and The Canadian Team That Wasn't There

By Nick McCann

Tonight the Padres start a series with the Washington Nationals at Petco Park. I haven’t looked at the entire MLB schedule this week, but I am sure one could make a strong bet that this series is among the worst offerings the sport is putting forward.

Ten years ago, when the Nationals were the Montreal Expos, I would have jumped at the chance to go down and watch the game because the Expos were the single greatest Padre opponents to heckle. If you can get on a roll, making fun of Canada never gets old (especially when you could also make fun of the poor bad team from Canada that basically had the best minor league system run in the last 30 years, only to have it picked apart by the bigger market clubs).

Baseball never worked in Montreal and it will probably never go back there. This last weekend, a lot of people I know experienced something that also never should have been brought back. Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull hit the theaters on Thursday, and almost everyone I know saw it, and hated it. Sure, Indiana Jones is far from the Washington Nationals/Expos in the spectrum of quality entertainment, but watching the trailer for that movie, and reading who tonight’s starters are, gave me the same emotional response: I don’t want to see this, because it will never be the same.

Granted, I still haven’t seen the movie, but everything I know about it already pisses me off, and on top of that, I’m pissed off at myself at being pissed off about it. At the end of the day, it is probably just a fun movie that plays to fond memories shared by millions of people my age. But there are three things I already hate about the movie that I know I will not be able to get over: (A) Shia Lebeouf makes me feel like River Phoenix feels today (B) there should never be a repeat love interest in an Indiana Jones movie (although Karen Allen was stunning in her prime) and (C) after the last film, doesn’t Indiana have the ability to live forever? I thought he drank from the cup of Christ, and that meant he was never going to die. Wouldn’t that fact lower the stakes of any dangerous situation he gets himself into, or was that supposed to mean the everlasting eternal life that comes with giving yourself to Christ? What kind of Jew are you Spielberg?

The Indiana Jones movies were not really a saga, so there is no reason to see where the overall story is going. People went to see it last weekend, because they wanted to see Indiana bounce through another adventure and ultimately win. Going in, you know Indiana is always going to win, but you always go back to watching him win because it makes you feel safe. I’m sure if I saw the new film, it would only remind me that I am not a virgin anymore. Think about it, how many people did you know this weekend, who NEEDED to see The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, were also virgins in 1989, the year The Last Crusade came out? This is why most people in our age group hate Steven Spielberg as adults. He is at his best when he is making non-threatening action adventure films that don’t challenge us to stray away from our own childhood innocence. Then when we watch him try to be Stanley Kubrick as adults, we think he is a hack (as we should).

Before I had sex, I spent a lot of time crafting jokes about the Expos. Sure, looking back this is really sad, but I would be lying if I didn’t admit that the adoration I received from my friends because of my A+ Expo material was a significant confidence booster. In the bleachers behind right field, I was Reggie Miller walking into the Garden just trying to shut Spike Lee up. I was Muhammad Ali, and Larry Walker was my Joe Frazier because I needed him to force me into greatness. Essentially, I was the Indiana Jones of the drunken assholes sitting behind Tony and I hated fellow hecklers who had to curse as much as Indy hated snakes.

The sad thing-besides the current state of the Padres-is that if I actually went to the game tonight, I know I would feel like I belong in a museum. Also, let’s be real, D.C. is a pretty cool town, and I got nothing.