As I sit down to write this I realize several things:
1) I haven’t written one of these since like June or maybe before. No one writes for the Kept Faith anymore and I don’t know why. It was and is a good idea, but no one cares about good ideas, they only care about birth certificates.
2) Jurassic Park is on at the same time as the game and there is no way I won’t be flipping back and forth. Right now Newman is about to get poison spit on him from a dilophosaurus and then eaten. Silly Newman.
3) I haven’t had the chance to write anything recently because I have been directing a fantastic musical called Little Shop of Horrors. Click here for tickets and info.
4) I love the Padres right now. They have a young club full of talent and drive. It’s like watching a less developed version of last years Devil Rays or the 2003 Marlins. Fun baseball will always make me happy even if we are not winning.
Here we go:
TOP OF THE 1ST INNING:
- Anybody else amazed that the Giants are in contention for the Wild Card? Bochy might just be a good coach after all. Or he’s Frankenstein. Or both.
- The Pads go down in order. I wish I were ordering food right now.
BOTTOM OF THE 1ST:
-Pablo Sandoval just hit a double. Apparently his nickname is the Giant Panda or Kung Fu Panda or some shit. Anyway, he’s a big boy. And I don’t hate the nickname.
- Bengie Molina hits behind Sandoval. Why would you have the two slowest guys in baseball hitting back to back? That’s just like me hitting behind myself. Molina singles in Kung Fu Panda. I guess you can be as slow as you want if you can place it.
- Juan Uribe (who is actually still starting for a Major League team) pops out.
PADS – 0 GIANTS – 1 MILLER HIGH LIFE – 1
TOP OF THE 2ND:
- They are in the kitchen running and hiding from the Raptors. Remember the first time you saw the Raptor run for Timmy and it rammed into the cabinet because the Raptor was actually chasing his reflection? That was awesome.
- Kouz grounds out.
- The Raptor just opened the door. Every Spielberg movie has something retarded in it like a dinosaur opening a door. Yes, even Schindler’s List. The red coat thing? So pretentious and un-necessary.
- Chase Headley just hit his 11th homer off Madison Bumgarner. Bumgarner is a rookie and is racist. I don’t know that for a fact, but he’s white and from the south. Is that a generalization?
PADS – 1 GIANTS – 1
BOTTOM OF THE 2ND:
- In an amazing turn of luck, the T-Rex saves everyone by eating the Raptors! Maybe the T-Rex is just misunderstood.
- Aaron Rowand homers off Kevin Correia. Once a Giant always a Giant, eh Correia?
- Correia is not looking sharp, but that is nothing new. Actually I think the scouting report on him is: Not sharp.
PADS -1 GIANTS – 2
TOP OF THE 3RD:
- Jurassic Park ends with Sam Neill looking out the helicopter window at birds flying. Remember when this movie came out and religious groups were so mad about the whole evolution storyline? Remember when they were mad about a movie that had Raptor’s opening doors, T-Rex’s chasing cars and successful cloning from prehistoric mosquito’s’ trapped in prehistoric sap? Ugh.
- Evereth Cabrera is up. I like him. He makes good plays and can hold his own with the bat. So what if he made 4 errors last week, at least he’s not hitting .214 (I miss you Khalil!).
- Pads show no life.
PADS – 1 GIANTS – 2
BOTTOM OF THE 3RD:
- The Great Panda is up. If he chewed on bamboo in the dugout I think my head would explode from joy. He grounds out.
- Uribe (again, starting.) singles.
- Correia strikes out Winn and is starting to look, well…not sharp, but…what is not dull, but not sharp and looks like it’s trying to hard, but not really portraying actual effort? If anyone thinks of a word for all that let me know.
PADS – 1 GIANTS – 2
TOP OF THE 4TH:
- Kouz hits a big homerun on the first pitch of the inning! Koooooooouuuuuuuzzzzzzzzz.
- Annnnnnnnnnnnddddddddddd…the rest of the team kills the momentum.
PADS – 2 GIANTS – 2 MILLER HIGH LIFE – 2
BOTTOM IF THE 4TH:
- Rowand singles.
- Correia is really slowing the pace of this game down to picante.
- I’m now flipping between this and Major League on AMC, “She said that she had a better body than you and I had to find out because I’m obligated to defend you!”
- Eugenio Velez is now batting for the Giants. First off, who is that? Secondly, that name sucks. Thirdly, he just singled in Rowand. Fuck you Eugenio!
- Eugenio gets tagged out trying to steal 2nd and the inning is over. Karma.
PADS – 2 GIANTS – 3
TOP OF THE 5TH:
- I took a break to make a burger. Nothing happened though, so don’t worry. Honestly, nothing happened.
TOP OF THE 6TH:
- Bumgarner comes out of the game for saying something racist to A-Gonz. I couldn’t hear it and I didn’t see his lips move, but I’m sure that’s what happened. Brandon Medders comes in.
- Kouz strikes out looking.
- Headley loses a bet.
PADS – 2 GIANTS -3 COORS LIGHT – 1 BURGERS – 1
BOTTOM OF THE 6TH:
- Correia is actually keeping it close, but his pitch count is around 120 so his night is done, I’m sure.
- Watching Major League: “Haywood swings and hits one towards South America! Tomlinson is going to need a visa to catch this one!”
PADS – 2 GIANTS – 3
TOP OF THE 7TH:
- Will Veneble smacks a homerun off Medders to tie this game up! His 10th of the year and 36th RBI. I think we should probably keep Veneble around. We won’t, but we should.
- Edgar Gonzales singles. Medders is taken out in favor of Sergio Romo, the half-gay brother of Tony Romo. You know Edgar is wearing the new batting helmets that apparently can protect you from a 100mph fastball. The other helmets only guarantee protection from 70mph fastballs. So, I guess if you’re always facing Tim Wakefield you’ll be safe. The helmet is a bit thicker than the others and basically makes Edgar look like he is 14-years old wearing a grown-ups helmet. Basically, I guess anyone who wears this helmet will look like Juan Pierre does all the time. ZING!
PADS – 3 GIANTS – 3
BOTTOM OF THE 7TH:
- Adam Russell is in to pitch for the Padres. No relation to my roommate, who is off working out by the way. I’m so proud of him – he’s had a big weekend!
- He sits the Giants down in odd fashion.
PADS – 3 GIANTS – 3
TOP OF THE 8TH:
- Jeremy Affeldt is in for the Giants and he gives up a single to A-Gonz that was actually an error, but who cares. Not the NL Umps.
- Kouz singles.
- Mark Grant just made a Rip Taylor reference. How? I can’t explain it. I refuse to try.
- Headley hits a sharp double and A-Gonz hustles all the way from 2nd to slide-in with the go ahead run. Kouz on 3rd and Headley is on 2nd. Worlds are colliding.
- The Pads get the bases loaded with 1 out and do nothing about it. God I miss watching the Padres!
PADS – 4 GIANTS – 3
BOTTOM OF THE 8TH:
- Some guy named Webb in to pitch for the Padres. Who? I have no idea. I refuse to do research on him until he impresses me.
- I wouldn’t say it was impressive, but he got a 1-2-3 inning.
PADS – 4 GIANTS – 3 COORS LIGHT – 2
TOP OF THE 9TH:
- The Pads do very little.
PADS – 4 GIANTS – 3
BOTTOM OF THE 9TH:
- Heath Bell coming in to close the game out for the Pads. I hear “Saved by the Bell” in my head and will always until they make it official.
- Kouz apparently got hurt and we only had one player left on the bench which was a backup catcher, so Headley moved to 3rd, Alfonzo came in to catch and Hundley move to Left – where he has never played in the majors. Great.
- As fired up as Bell gets he’s not that consistent. He just kinda throws everywhere and it gets a little boring.
- He gets Eugenio to pop out to Hundley of all people to win the game! Eugenio!
FINAL SCORE: PADS 4 – GIANTS 3
So, all in all it wasn’t a bad game. A little long, especially for the final score and amount of hits. Correia is boring to watch and Bumgarner was lame – and racist! Jeez! Anywho, I missed watching the Padres and in a few days football will take over the mind of Americans until the World Series. I just hope we can all appreciate the glory of the pastime even in the shadow of the wife beating and pill-popping gang members known as the stars of the NFL.
